 |
|
 |
Home
Page
Photo
Album
Where
I Work
My
Hobbies
Welcome
I work for the Luton
Borough of Hoovering. I am employed in the Butlins Wedding
Centre at Downminster Court. It's a great place to work and
all the people a really friendly, in the main.
Like any organisation we have our fair share of nutters, control freaks, murders, football fans, cross dressers, spam heads, nondrinkers, people who seem to like wearing shirts and ties, arsonists, Satan worshipers and general shag wits. But they are mainly confined to one directorate for their own good.
Anyway let me tell you about a little about where I work. It is a large house built in the early 1900s by some boring old fart whose name escapes me for the moment. We aim to provide a comprehensive wedding service to our customers. Our services include.
- Dating agency
- Arranged marriages
- Sex therapy on an ad-hoc basis
- Sartorial advice for the groom. I personally select the corduroy trousers
- Advice on wedding dresses
- Hairdressing for the bride and groom including toupees if required
- The services of a defrocked minister
- Our own resident bridesmaids, matron of honor and page boys
- Chauffeur driven Ford Fiesta
- Arranging Stag and Hen nights - I am available as a male stripper at a very modest cost, in fact I do it for free. I provide handcuffs, baby oil and not forgetting the all important lard.
- We also are more than happy to arrange bitter and acrimonious divorces.
- In conjunction with our close colleagues and friends in another department, we arrange for the fostering and adoption of the unfortunate sproggs of a failed marriages.
The boss of the Butlins Wedding Centre, BWC, is the Right Reverend Muriel Dogma although most of us forget her name and just call her Thingy. She also responds to "OI YOU" if shouted loud enough. She likes to think she is in charge and because she is quite harmless, when sober, we amuse her in this misconception. Muriel was defrocked recently but we all believe that her involvement with the boy scout movement was purely pastoral and that the News of the World got it horribly wrong. Muriel's role models are the Rev Ian Paisley and Atila the Hun.
Jan Runquick is in charge of extorting our fees from the punters. She used to work as a protection money collector for Ron and Reg in the good old days. It is Jan that I have to see if I need money to buy yet more lard for my stripper act and believe you me it is like getting blood from the proverbial. Anyway you have got to keep on her good side because she still has connections with the "firm". Jan also stands in as Matron of Honor if the price is right.
Colleen Tight is possibly my very best friend in the whole world despite the fact that she is a girlie and cannot drink 25 pints of Nigerian lager in half an hour, eat the "Indian Palace's" hottest vindaloo and then set fire to her farts like a real bloke can. There is, however, just one very small thing that irritates me about her. She is a major football fan and she just goes on and on about it. I try to pretend that I am interested in her inane ramblings about Tranmere Rovers but to tell you the truth it is beginning to get on my tits. It has been even worse recently because there is some sort of football competition bollocks going on and she is getting over excited. The other day she confided in me that she was planning to have "Beckham" tattooed on her left buttock and "Seaman" on the right. I think I have managed to talk her out of it though. When not driveling on about football Colleen is responsible for all aspects of bridal wear and will happily drag the hapless bride around Debenhams for hours on end.
On the subject of tragic football fans, I am getting increasingly concerned about Kimberly Burnt. Although she hates football as much as me and every other non-disfunctional right thinking person, her family have forced her into a depraved and vile act. This act was so obscene that I can hardly bare to talk about it but here we go........she was forced to put up an England poster in the window of her house. I sprang into action immediately to defend this poor soul, the result of which is that Kimberly is now the subject of a "place of safety order", her case is going to the European Court of Human Rights, and several people are helping plod with their enquiries. When release from secure accommodation Kimberly will resume her role flogging weddings to the punters.
Jessie Legitup and Josephine Ferret are our chief bridesmaids. They also organise the hen nights. They book the male strippers and ensure there is a plentiful supply of the vital lard to hand. As we are a growing department we need a constant supply of new bridesmaids and page boys. Jessie and Josephine recruit and train these young people. We call them J and J Training Services! J and J share my repulsion of football. In their spare they are active members of the Downminster Fox Hunt and delight in watching the Downminster hounds tear the fox to bits. They are also leading lights in the Downminster and district over 65s Latin American Dancing Society and often entertain and delight us all with an energetic tango with our resident Eurovision Song Contest consultant.
Our chauffeur is Noel Peartree who ferries the suckers, sorry customers, around in his trusty Ford Fiesta, Noel also stands in as pageboy in an emergency. He once showed a small sign of being interested in football but a sound slapping from Jan Runquick soon put a stop to that nonsense. Noel was rescued from the clutches of an evil and malicious coven, sorry department, before he joined us but he has responded well to a supportive and caring environment It is Noel's ambition to join England's Curling Team so we can spend more quality male bonding time together.
Chris Ewbank, no relation, is our formidable receptionist, no one gets passed her without a struggle. Chris ensures that the bride's and groom's family are in their correct places and also supervises the clamping and removal of cars parked illegally. Room bookings are also her soul responsibly. Chris has fond memories of being a U-boat commander in the second world war and likes nothing better in sharing her stories of adventures on the high seas when she was responsible for sinking tens of thousands of tons of allied shipping..... happy days indeed. When Berlin fell in 45, Chris and a few others fled to South America. We managed to persuade her to come out of exile to take up her role at Downminster. We had to guarantee her immunity from prosecution but that was a small price to pay. Her many years in Argentina has left her as a staunch supporter of their football team. She and I both hope that Argentina thrash England.
Thingy's big boss, (TBB), does not work here but is based in a big building call a Town House, or something like that. Anyway she had a great idea the other day. She told Thingy that it would be a really good if we started up a Training Centre, but only if we did not mind of course. We are all so excited about this. Needless to say none of us know bugger all about training but that has never stopped us before. I will keep you posted on developments.
That just leaves Spike Piles. What can I say about this legend. He is more than a friend, he is my role model, mentor, guru and teacher. Since I came down south to the big city he has been like a father to me. We have spent many a happy hour in the "Golden Duck" discussing such diverse subjects as the relative merits of the BNP and Combat 18's manifesto, how many pints of antifreeze a real man can drink before killing himself, the finer points of Curling tactics and self examination techniques for testicular cancer. No one here is exactly certain what Spike does, he is supposed to provide a toupee fitting service to the grooms but you can never find him. When you do he just mutters something about having to go to the Town House and lumbers Colleen with the toupee fitting lark. Spike shares Colleen's love of football. He has a great interest in all sport and regularly pumps iron at the gym to keep his taut young body in the peak of physical condition. Women see him as something of a love god and he has to constantly fight off there unwelcome advances. Spike formally worked as a cultural advisor to the "Indian Palace" restaurant and counts amongst his closest friends Lord Napier.
